Preschool, Pedagogy, Permormance

I am having the hardest time trying to actually physically sit down and write my qualitative methods two paper. I can see it in my mind, visualize it, but I am just so unmotivated, tired from working at the preschool, dealing with parents, kids, teachers, that sitting down to just write up my sites of pedagogical moments has definitely been challenging. I am hoping that by Blogging them-instead of doing "scholarly writing" in word processing, strict school work format that I will allow some of my ideas about performance, critical pedagogy and the preschool to flow freely. I hope to use writing as a tool for analysis in order to think about and interpret my data which, is more about watching phenomenological situations unfold and thinking about them performatively.

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"You look funny today Miss. Kathryn. In those gray pants and that yellow shirt," a small white blond-haired boy looks up at me and proclaims.

I am slightly taken aback. I thought I looked nice today. I dressed up wore clothes that were different from my normal outfits. I am wearing khaki tan pants and a yellow argyle sweater. My short hair is being held back with bobby pins, and I am wearing similar amounts of make-up that I normally do, which is fairly natural with a little bit of smudged eyeliner and mascara around the outer edges of my eyes. I have on my purple and black watches with witches on the wristband, and other than my double nostril piercing I have on no jewelery. I think I look nice, but not much different than what I usually look like, except that I usually wear dark colors as opposed to lighter pastel shades. His comment stings-just a little. He may only be three, but somehow I assume that my body, is being read as different, as queer, as something that looks funny, not pretty. I begin to think about how early beauty norms which, are socially constructed are ingrained so early on in the minds of children.

Not that he can be totally blamed in the situation. It is my desire to look different to be read as queer in most contexts of my life, not explicitly in the preschool setting however. I often feel that I do not "look gay enough" if this is really possible. I assume that my feminine appearance in most situations buys me a ticket straight to hetero-ville. Although I realize that even this assumption of mine is faulty because many straight women do not conform to typical standards of beauty, even as much as me, a self-identified queer lesbian. I would like to brush it all off to heterosexism, that our culture signifies who looks normal and who who doesn't, and that it is generally assumed that if you look normal you are not considered queer. But in this situation it makes no sense, I am actually looking somewhat normal and yet I am being read as completely queer. I am not even trying. Maybe that is the problem maybe they are not used to seeing me look more normative and for them that seems to queer their perceptions of me.

What is more disturbing, however, is that my appearance, except my dress tend to remain consistently similar. I usually wear jeans, short and long-sleeved t-shirts, sweaters, dress pants, and combinations of all of them. I shower most mornings, blow-dry and straighten my hair in order to get it to spike up ever so alternatively, and I wear makeup fairly consistently. However, when my co-teacher Kristin dresses up and does what she calls "making an effort," the teachers, children, and even the parents all tend to comment about her appearance.

"Miss Kristin, you look so pretty today," the children from the room next door file over one by one to tell her. it is obvious that they have been prompted by our boss, a middle-aged white woman. The older boys who are four and five tend to like Kristin and interact with her somewhat flirtatiously, which, she seems to actually enjoy. Kristin is wearing a bright blue t-shirt with a deep v, her red hair is flowing down her shoulders and has been scrunched with gel. Her pale skin is accented with the pink, white, and brown hues of her makeup. Her black eyeliner is thickly painted on around the outer edge of her eyelids. I agree that she does look nice, but more than anything I think Kristin just looks different than she normally does. But instead of being read as silly or different, her skinny, white, more normative look is deemed pretty by the children. I can never tell if Kristin likes the attention or is embarrassed by the comments they make to her. Later on in the day as Kristin was putting down Star, one of our younger smaller female children, for a nap. Star looked up at Kristin from her position lying down in the crib and in a very loud voice said,"Miss Kistin, you wook pitty t'day." Kristin tried to shrug it off and just said, "Thank you Star," however, Star in her two-year-old demeanor, kept repeating these words over and over until she fell fast asleep. Throughout the day as parents came into the school to pick up their children many of the mothers commented on liking Kristin's hair and her shirt. No one has ever complimented me in this way except one mother told me she enjoyed my sensible footwear.

While this situation may seem to be built on my own insecurities and low self-esteem I think it is significant for iterating how the children, staff, and parents in the preschool view me. I assume they all attribute my appearance to my weirdness and this obscurity is not viewed as something commendable let alone beautiful. Instead the parents see Kristin's normative appearance and compliment it in order to reinforce her appearance as a standard of beauty. I am reminded that sometimes silences and absences speak much louder than the words that are actually uttered. Although this does tend to rub me the wrong way, I am also reminded that it is my choice to not carry out my appearance in a normative way and that for the most part I enjoy what this brings to my life.

I have come to see my body and my look as a huge signifier for who or what I am supposed to be. I put a lot of effort into my appearance, although I am not exactly always sure as to why? I care how I look, but even more importantly I worry about what my look is saying to others. I make sure to trim my hair frequently, color it in somewhat obscure colors, always wear my nose rings and always wear something rainbow, even if just to give myself a little gay cheer throughout the day. I enjoy these aspects of myself, I like that they make me appear different, however, this also illustrates my cognitive dissonance and contention while in the preschool. While I would like to be read as attractive I am not, however I do tend to be read as the authority figure, and the children usually choose me to solve their problems whether it be return a toy to it's rightful owner or provide a hug and a holding after falling and bonking a head. I like my job and I like my position in the preschool, however, I begin to see just how easily white middles class gender norms are performed and encouraged by parents, staff, and children at the preschool. It is because of incidents like this I begin to see an even greater need for implementing critical pedagogy in the preschool classroom. The children must be exposed to some forms of difference if they are to understand and accept difference, and I am hoping that I can be a glimmer of hope in this situation.