So much to write about

Have you ever prayed that somebody would die? Wished and hoped? It sounds morbid, it sounds cruel, but as I watch one of the most important people in my life disintegrate all I can do is hope that death will bring her comfort and a release of all of her terrible pain.

"What is your favorite GG memory?" a friend asks me curiously. GG is my great grandmother and she has been alive so far my entire life. I have to think about this question deeply. She has always been a part of my life, the head of my matriarchal clan, I don't have many memories without her. They are not all my favorite for I recall being a child and getting so angry with her because she was pretty strict. I remember my brother throwing chocolate milk all over her living room wall and running out of the house when she went to get the fly swatter in order to discipline him. I had to calm them both down an convince my brother to come back into the house.

There had been Christmas's and birthdays, I remember her getting out the Christmas dishes, and all of the decorations. She always made me fudge, the real stuff, not the marshmallow fluff you buy in stores. And sour cream sugar cookies, they are still one of my absolute favorite things. Not quite sweet but a delicious taste with every single bite.

We are almost up the mountain and I turn to her. "It has to be going to Disney World. Even though we had to push her in the wheel chair she still sat in the front of all the big rides like Splash Mountain and Space Mountain." I remember back to this time, many of my vacations had involved my great grandmother, including moving back and forth to college at least three times.

But now when I look at her it is easy to see she is not well. The Home Hospice care has begun and with that comes many books about dying and how to prepare for such things. It also comes along with lots of pain management and drugs that supposedly make the transition to death easier for the person experiencing it. So many people are scared of death of what that means but I am not scared. I see that the life she is in now is what is scary. She is not scary but the loss of her physical self scares me because it has made that very real to me. I would rather lose my body in death instead of in life. However when people say things like when I get like that just kill me I feel they must have little compassion for my situation. My GG does not want to be like this but I cannot imagine it is mine or anyone else's responsibility to take her life away. And don't tell me that because it isn't that easy, this situation is not as simple as that. It is not my choice to make for someone else.

A person once so strong and smart and quick. She could cuss like a sailor at times, and always told me "Don't ever let a man tell you what to do!" But she isn't storng and nothing can prepare a person to watch someone die. What do you do when you realize a person you love and admire can no longer feed herself, let alone walk anywhere. She is so tired. All she does is lay back half listening, barely breathing, jut barely hanging on. She is there but not. Always one to be in the conversation she now just listens. Withdrawing from the world, that's what the Hospice book says.

I was explaining my troubles of the day to my mother and my grandmother. Silly maybe, but I had had problems returning something to a store and had been significantly frustrated by this situation. Trying to lighten the mood I was explaining how I talked to two different managers and then two different customer service people on the phone and how I felt little to no help from all of these people. As I was talking my GG just lay there apparently asleep or so I thought. But then out of no where she mumbled something inaudible to me. But my grandma Jane looked at her and said, "I know mom that wasn't right. They should return her pants so that she can have something that fits." She had been listening the whole time to me babble about my stupid pants. I desperately hoped that would not be her last thought before dying.

I wish she would die so that she would not have to live this way for long and although I feel bad admitting that I feel it is the most humane situation. And recently having read "His Dark Materials" trilogy I am convinced that my GG will die and become happy particles of dust which, is everything. She will no longer need to eat homemade ice cream and peaches because she will be homemade ice cream and peaches. Just as she will be mountains, and sunshine, and rain. And for some reason this gives me a lot of comfort because these books have made me hopeful and faithful in a way I have yearned to be for so long. And I feel this hope in me that I can be part of making a world based on love, kindness, truths, and the power of story telling. All because death is no longer about the sinners and the righteous but about the dead being set free to be in the world to feel all the love that there is. And if you are particles you can no longer be in pain.

and how do you explain that you love someone so much that you wish they would die? I am sure to some who have witnessed this process that it makes sense. But is it fair to wish this and still know that I don't feel my time with her has been enough or used as wisely as it could have been? I haven't heard enough stories, I haven't eaten enough fudge, or learned how to make a pie, or kissed her enough, or rubbed her feet and legs because they are tired and old and they are done holding up a once strong and proud body. I haven't spent every night of my life trying to ensure that hers is better or more comfortable. But she wouldn't want that, she would definitely want me to live my life and be happy.

And this is real. It may not be Truth, but this is my everyday. While I may have outlets like work, friends, love, my dog it is there. This death. It is something I wake up in the morning to look at and I wonder when I won't see it anymore? When will it be gone forever, turned into tiny particles all around me? and I worry. What if I find her? Will I be more scared to see a body with what appears to be no soul, or will it be weird to feel her soul no longer in her body but somehow outside of it being released?

And now I feel we are waiting. Reading books about dying. Thinking of what to tell the children in her life. And as I wait I cry because I know eventually the waiting will end and I will be joyful and overwhelmed with sorrow. Until then I wait...